I’m going to go and buy a One Direction album. It being in my possession will save me when the inevitable One Directioner, or 1D-er uprising comes. I’m going to burn it onto my hard drive, put it on my iPhone and frame it on my wall. This I’m certain will save me.
I’m taking this drastic action because recently I’ve genuinely started to fear for my life. Recently British GQ featured the members of One Direction on five individual covers of their september issue. Within the Harry Styles’ issue, they playfully eluded to Harry taking advantage of the knowledge that he is one of the most adored men on the planet, and that he had a penis. What might elicit a small grin for most was enough to provoke a wave of militant outrage from the more radical echelon of One Direction’s fan base on twitter.
“DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY PEOPLE WANT TO CASTRATE THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR THIS SHITTY MAGAZINE?” – @VENOMALIK
“CAN I PLEASE STAB EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO WORKS FOR GQ TY” – @slutynarry
“GQ MAGAZINE CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A CHAINSAW UP THEIR ASSHOLE TILL IT MUTILATES THEIR INSIDES” – @michaellaneous
You can see a more extensive collection of the responses here.
It doesn’t require a reader to be Horatio Caine to see somewhat of a pattern here. What is more worrying is that this is quite a common occurrence. I regard twitter as a truly great platform. It spearheaded the popular movements in Tunisia and Egypt, and revolutionised for better or worse the way that news is reported. But, it has also given everyone a voice, including a multitude of tweens whose tweets seem to border on the psychotic. Prospective partners of the bandmates now have to think twice after Caroline Flack and America’s sweetheart, Taylor Swift have been subjected to an amount of vitriolic abuse that would even cause Simon Cowell to hide under a table and weep uncontrollably. It is now fraught with peril for even friends of the band to interact with them through twitter, as this chap found out.
What can be done? Well, nothing. The chaps have tried their best, in a mealy mouthed way to stop their fans sending death threats to anyone who so much as inhabits the same universe as the boys without their explicit consent. But it hasn’t seemed to have changed anything.
So run, hide or just sit there and await your oncoming gruesome end at the hand of a One Directioner. It will most likely be extremely painful and prolonged if twitter is a good litmus test for psychopathic behaviour. Me? I’ll be safe. I’ll be lip synching word for word ‘That’s What Makes You Beautiful’ as society crumbles and gets rebuilt as One Directionia. You fools!